No Shame in Choosing to Go Slow
I've always had one or two books on my nightstand, and I tend to fly through them, soaking up any words of wisdom that make this life seem more manageable.
My current reading adventure is Chasing Slow by Erin Loechner. Something she said struck me today. She writes about her life story and notes that many of us use the popular catchphrase “God will not give you more than you can handle" to justify the stress of busy lives spent amassing.
Although Erin believes this to be true, she also wonders if “God has given us few things - aging parent, mouths to feed, a recent job loss- and “we have given ourselves many more things - the Target credit card bill, a yard to mow, a bigger house with extra bedrooms for guests, three dinner parties to host, and the inability to say no to serving animal crackers in Sunday school twice this month. Between God’s giving and our giving, there is excess."
We cannot control the events of our past; there is nothing I can do to change my loss. The weight of our loss is heavy, and now fertility treatments add load, not only on my schedule but also on my heart.
In an effort to lessen the load, I spent the last several months attempting to rid my life of excess. I logically understand we can’t keep going at the pace to which we’d become accustomed. So I’ve been going through the motions of getting rid of things and saying “no” when needed.
Yet, I still have this deep-seated expectation that I’m supposed to be able to handle it all.
I feel inadequate because I can’t contribute to this world in the same ways I did in the past or in the way society expects of me. The world can not see my scars.
It’s a strange place to be, knowing you need to slow down or pull back and yet feeling guilty about that choice.
I hadn’t yet realized that my guilt reflected my need to keep up with society's standard of what I should be doing. Losing a child constantly challenges your preconceived notions about how life is supposed to go, and this situation is no different.
Today, I realized this choice, the one to slow down, is an acknowledgment of who I am, what I need, and that it is ok.
Maybe it was never intended for me to be able to do it all.
Maybe we create expectations of ourselves that are not needed or helpful.
We can all agree that this path we call life hands us events outside our control, which shake us to our core and leave us wondering what our lives will look like moving forward.
I'm discovering what I want my life to look like moving forward and attempting to reconcile that with my mind's need to keep me on the path, society says I should be working towards.
I am crafting a life that fits my path; no one else's, just mine.
No one will ever experience your life and never go to the exact places you're going. You are uniquely you.
Go out, my friends, and build a life that’s uniquely yours without judgment or fear. Find freedom in embracing who you are and what you need from this life.
Peace and Love to you all.
