Life pushed me over an edge the day Adeline was stillborn.
Before that day, I was teetering between the comforts of what I'd always known and the realization that my life was about to change. I'm sure most soon-to-be-parents experience that same feeling of knowing that their lives will forever be changed.
Unfortunately, my life pushed me over the edge of a cliff, and I fell straight down into rough, cold waters, where the rocks were sharp and the waves powerful. There was no escape. For a while, it felt as if I was going to drown. The waves swallowed me whole, as the tide beat against the rocks and so did my body. One hit, then two, then another... I had to fight for every breathe.
I was thrown off that edge that day. I did not choose to jump into these rough waters. This was not my choice. I didn't want to be there. I wondered why couldn't I find my way back to the surface where I could stand on solid ground again, where I used to be so comfortable?
Even though I didn't choose this path, I still had a choice to make.
I could stay in the waters and keep fighting or I could learn to accept my reality.
I finally decided to let go—to surrender to the pain.
And I was set free.
As I floated out to sea, my eyes focused on the sun and I relished in the calm and silence. I could feel the pain dissipate, my body relax, and healing begin.
When I accepted that this would be forever my story, I was set free. I will forever be Adeline Grace's mom. A beautiful baby girl who I could only hold for a moment. Nothing can change that. It is my reality.
Forever, this is me.
We spend so much time fighting nature's path because we don't understand it, because we want different answers. We fight and fight and fight until there is nothing left of ourselves. Acceptance is one of the ways I'm Thriving after loss.
Surrendering to acceptance is excruciatingly painful. You have to live in your reality and that hurts like hell. For me, it has also been one of the most liberating processes.
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